Facebook is Evil–We Can’t All Sing Like Judy Garland!

I have made an awe-inspiring discovery from the comfort of my couch. Facebook is evil. Yes. Evil.

I know, I know, how could something be evil if it gives so much pleasure to so many? Need I remind anybody of food? Unprotected sex? Felonious drug use? WalMart?

I shop there too. Everybody does. Who cares if they’ve undercut any possibility of a union and three people have to die in a car crash for a woman to be promoted, ketchup is $1.99!

Similarly is Facebook taking over the world, one poke at a time. Call me paranoid, but aren’t the “likes” and “dislikes” expanding into every corner of our collective consciousness? Does everybody you “friend” need to know your preference in cereal? Can anybody really have two hundred and fifty friends? How many rhetorical questions can you pose in a row before it becomes annoying?

Oh. Sorry.

I look over my wife’s shoulder as she wades through endless posts from her friends on some relative’s illness (“Aunt Lucy vomited two quarts of bile since my last post–I’ll update every fifteen minutes”), their own tenuous mental state (“I woke up so SAD today!!!!!! I think I may be ugly!!!!!! I need my friends to tell me how beautiful I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”), and their purple prosed beliefs in a higher power (“I woke up to the most amaing sunrise today and thought how amazingly lucky I am to live in this amazing country beneath the loving gaze of my amazing God!”)

It’s OK to believe in God, experience self doubt or have sick relatives–in the privacy of your own home! Why inflict that information on anyone else! I have my own religious beliefs. Don’t know them? That’s because I never told you! Why would I, unless we were both stoned?

But why is Facebook evil? Dumb, timewasting, overexposing, yes. But evil? Yes. Evil. It makes everybody equally interesting, or more importantly “think” they are interesting. A post is a post is a post. Anything clever or meaningful–in short, anything worth reading–is swept away in the endless tidal wave of banality. For every chuckle-worth bon mot there are fifteen proclamations of love between spouses (yuk!), twenty-five requests to buy farm animals, thirty-two mind-numbing surveys (“List 20 sexual positions nobody knows you enjoy and pass it on to all your friends’ lists so they can do the same!), six hundred and fifty two explanations about how “Cristmas was so HECTIC this year!”–“what book are you reading,” “what cartoon character are you,” “what celebrity are you frequently mistaken for,” “look at my husband’s new blog!” Well, you’ll see that one soon, and you really should check it out.

The point is the waters are muddied–forget muddied, they’re solid rock–for anyone with something really funny and entertaining to say (like Mary El’s friend David–if I had an account he would be one of my friends just on entertainment grounds, and he’s never ONCE mentioned a sick relative). If you ascribe to the belief that 95% of anything in any genre is crap (that I think I belong in the 5% is a result of pure, unrelenting self-confidence in my writing that allows me to live with the fact that I am nearly completely bald), then Facebook is a veritable cesspool of mediocrity. It’s the eqivalent of everyone in the theater getting up on stage with Judy Garland just because they all have vocal cords and the power of speech. Shhhhh! Sit down and let Judy sing! If we’re lucky she’ll do “Over the Rainbow”.

OK, I’m an elistist jerk, but I’m a *correct* elistist jerk. Facebook is lowering our collective threshold for idiocy, which if you’ve ever driven through a fast food drive-thru you’d know was pretty low to begin with. The internet used to be the wild west, an outpost for unique voices crying out in the dark (and, of course free porn). Now it’s WalMart, where no matter how big your ass is, we have a pair of pants that will fit! Facebook–where your kids are always cutest and you’re forevery interesting by virtue of simply posting.

Can you hear Judy? And where the hell are the onion rings I ordered?

    • Karen Mills
    • January 19th, 2011

    Ah, yes – the evils of facebook!! I resisted as long as I could, but it has proved quite useful for my real estate career (reminding all that I am in real estate), and for keeping up with various nieces, nephews and cousins who are part of this “electronic” generation.
    That being said, I have had to discipline myself to visit fb only once each day to look around briefly (new amusements abound!), and to make a daily post if I have anything to say. No moods, no weather, no tv or movie stuff unless I feel it is really worth putting in writing. I also discovered how to adjust the settings so that I don’t get all those games and surveys and junk.

    Yes, I agree, it is generally a great big waste of time, and possibly evil, but, for now, a necessary evil.

    • If only the world had your self-discipline. I was in sales too, so like you I’ve had to straddle that thin line of keeping in contact with people while not pissing them off. Except if I got on their bad side they just didn’t buy a sofa, if you get them miffed you lose out on the commission for a house!

  1. I’m with you. I can accept it for those with capitalist motives certainly, since it has a built-in marketing skew of “qualifying” buyers. That’s what the likes are all about. They sell that info. I wouldn’t go near FB for all the “friends” in China.

  2. Thanks for the drop-in IM. Some people claim to have over 500 friends. I’d be hard-pressed to name by first and last name 200 people I know.

    • John
    • May 31st, 2011

    Welcome to Facebook, FBF.

    • bcpkid
    • June 1st, 2011

    I am now everything I hate…

  1. June 3rd, 2011

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