The End of Times–Tonight on the History Channel

Thanks to the History Channel, we are now well aware that the Earth will someday be destroyed. No more TV, no more Applebees Kiwi Lemonades, no more Youtube epic fails. Nothing but scorched-earth, apocalyptic doom. But to which nightmarish endgame will we eventually succumb? This is need-to-know!

Maybe supervolcanoes! Every hill over ten feet will suddenly and simultaneously shoot non-computer-generated lava from the Earth’s molten core, followed by a billowing mushroom cloud of ash and noxious gas that will travel rapidly across the lands until it hunts you down personally, envelops you and chokes you. Wanna know how you’re gonna die? Don’t fret, History Channel has a creepy looking pseudo-scientist who is enjoying this way too much, shot from below and in half-shadow, to happily clue you in. Let’s just say it would help, by about 30 seconds, if you were an Olympic swimmer. I’m a glass-half-full type of guy.

But don’t fret, the end may come from a giant asteroid instead! I’ve seen the simulated footage. You’ve got to see the size of this thing! How could it NOT slam into the Earth and leave a crater the size of Czechoslovakia, had those two nations not given up the coolest sounding country name ever? Have you seen the moon during your local news weather forecast? It’s got more pockmarks than Ray Liotta before makeup. Who cares if the average size of an asteroid after our atmosphere has its way with it is an undersized snowball. This could happen!

If the sun doesn’t explode first. Not for a while though. This is Armageddon for all the folks out there who do their Christmas shopping in June or worry about keeping their inheritance in the family. The sun is in its mellow, empty-nest stage of life. It’s taken up stamp collecting, has two fully-loaded Lincolns in the driveway and is considering early retirement. It’s house is paid off, so there’s nothing really keeping it from moving to Florida except the grandkids, but hey, I’ll still see them on holidays and it’s high time I did something for ME. I’m not going to live forever, you know, and when I go…I’m taking you ALL with me in a fiery flash of blinding heat!

But why wait for the end of times when you can have a perfect storm! A nor’easter meets a tropical depression meets a hypercane meets an extratropical cyclone from somewhere in Nova Scotia, strengthens over the Atlantic Ocean powered by hot air from right-wing radio broadcasters and lands with the full force of a heart-attack on some poor Caribbean island that should have had the good sense to pick up and move the last time this happened, proceeding to beat the living crap out it. But then! It heads up the east coast, getting closer and closer to where people wear more than just OP shorts and shark-tooth necklaces. New York City is underwater (marking the “official” death of Broadway, though it’s been dead since “Gypsy” closed)! Whales are landing in Boston Market! California is laughing so hard it sets off a chain reaction of tectonic plates and falls into the ocean! All that’s left is the mid-west, and you know how those Bible-belters vote! Dick Chaney declares himself emperor and unleashes a Zabrack Sith Lord that makes Darth Maul look like Mary Poppins!

But it probably won’t happen that way. God might end it all with a slight move of his pinky finger, making good on every religious zealot’s belief that they and they alone really “get” Revelations. I don’t know what will be worse, actually seeing the beast with the seven heads or hearing all those freaks yelling “I TOLD you so! Nah, nahnny nah nah!”

However it happens, the History Channel will be there to let us know exactly how it will go down. I think the real guilty party here is CGI technology. Without it, we would be able to say, “Yeah, like THAT might happen” and easily dismiss those creepy scientists with their talk of imminent danger. Now we can watch in living color as the skin is burned off our skeletons, the screen becomes filled with fire, fades into a white light and ends with the Earth blowing into smithereens like Luke dropped the Force on it (two Star Wars references—maybe I am a geek). Then nothing but stars. Run credits.

Boy I miss the times when all we had to worry about was nuclear annihilation. Hiding under our desks with our butts pointed toward the window. That was the life.

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