Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Please Kill Me

The home I share with my wife and three children. Please send help. Pic by Mary El, Inc.

Hey, how ’bout this snow! Isn’t it great?! All this white stuff making the skiing so spectacular! Making the trees look like picture postcards! I love snow! I love when it floats so beautifully down to earth like a scene from “Lord of the Rings”. I love the miles and miles and miles and miles of pure whiteness, stretching on and on and on as far as the eyes can see.


Please God make it stop. Please, if I have to spend one more day trapped with these psychotic people I think I might smother them in their sleep. I’m sick of frozen pizza. My freakin’ back is wrenched like a day-old pretzel. All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy, all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy, all pork and no whey makes Johnny a bull doy, allworkandnoplaymakesJohnnyadullboy…

Sorry. At least there’s TV! And the internet! If you’re trapped in an impossible situation, you need your distractions. I’ll be right back.

OK, I watched the “V” I had taped and read my email. Only twelve more hours to kill. Conor is writing a story consisting entirely of curse words. Mychal is playing with action figures. James is doing whatever he does in his room. If it could just stay this way for awhile… Hold it, Conor just screamed at Mychal and Mychal took a swing back at him, but Conor’s not going to take that from his younger brother, and James is on the phone with his girlfriend and wants everyone to shut up, and now Conor has decided to write down all the curse words he knows so he can hurl EVERY one of them at Mychal (I don’t even know what that one means), and James and Mychal have decided to create an unholy alliance, and now Conor still owes Mychal a smack but James is protecting him, and we’ve threatened them all with driving them to the closed school and dumping them there anyway, and the place looks like a box of Captain Crunch exploded in Toys R Us, and we haven’t been plowed out yet and they might all miss school tomorrow too and by that time I will probably be a) dead and eaten, b) committed, or c) on trial for attempted murder, except that Mary El would never allow me to leave her alone with these people. We have a standing joke that if we ever got divorced, we’d have to fight in court to see who DIDN’T get the kids. We’re jealous when a perp on “Law & Order” gets solitary.

We play out a similar farce whenever we run out of necessities like milk, or vodka, and one of us is forced to brave the elements to get to the nearest store. You can’t, she says, you’re sick, you have a blood clot, you might catch pneumonia, blah, blah, blah. What she’s really saying is I get to leave this madhouse and I’m going to have to drive reeealllly sllloooww, and the prospect of going off the road and possibly getting stranded in a blizzard is better than staying here for one more second, nah nahnny poo poo, stick your head in doo doo, the schmuck with the kids is you you.

God I wish I had a job again. Whatever the weather I could always go there. It was a foolproof way out. Hey, I’m supporting the family, I’m doing my duty. You can’t possibly argue with that. Sorry sweetie, I HAVE to go in, there’s no one else who can open the store. No, no, begging won’t help, and I don’t think you can obtain similar employment in the time it takes the coffee to brew, so I guess you’re scr—I mean, I guess it’s up to me to go out and battle mother nature for the good of my clan, like a caveman with a Toyota. Nah nahnny poo poo, stick your head in doo doo, the one with the job ain’t you you.

OK, that killed about an hour. The forecast calls for more overtime parenting. AllworkandnoplaymakesJohnnyadullboy, allworkandnoplaymakesJohnnyadullboy…

  1. I’ve been watching a DVD of Gilligan’s Island to cope with the weather. Somehow their lives seem…normal. It has been said that all mental illness is genetic and that we inherit it from our children. Could be, could be….

    • Anonymous
    • February 2nd, 2011

    Cabin fever is better with dogs than with children.

    • bcpkid
    • February 2nd, 2011

    @Paul: Gilligan’s Island…if Mary El and I had our Kindles we wouldn’t even send up a flare.

    @Anon: Yes, you can always send the dogs out. Children require clothing and warmth and all that nonsense.

  2. yo dad nice title . did not feel like reading the rest but fond the title very funny

    • Kae
    • February 2nd, 2011

    It sure is nice to see snow (in pictures!). That’s a gorgeous picture that Mary Ellen took, and although it looks like you live in a winter wonderland, snow and ice are two big reasons why we’re living in San Antonio. It evens out in the summer, though, when living here is like camping out on the surface of the sun.

  3. I’ve been looking for a reason to use that picture. She’s very talented. Surface of the sun… at least you don’t have to start a fire!

  4. I can’t keep my own son interested past the title.

    • Joel Flowers
    • February 3rd, 2011

    I am not anonymous! I guess it’s because I sent my comment from my phone.

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