How To Enhance Your Marriage With Polygamy

My wife wants me to take a second wife.

I know, it took a little while for it to sink in with me too. But it’s true. Now I know what you’re thinking, so stop right there. This has nothing to do with sex. It never even crossed my mind. Not for a second. Shame on you. Is that all you people ever think about?

All right, so I thought about it. But as I say to Mary El whenever the subject comes up, I can barely handle the one wife I have.

And it’s not a religious thing, because we’re not misguided Mormons. Catholics didn’t get the word of God out of a hat, they got it the way most major religions did. From carefully constructed stories and letters collected over 400-some-odd years, then drilled into our heads by elderly virgins. So we’re not attempting to populate the Earth with our children, like rabbits. Or the Irish.

No, there is a higher reasoning at work here. It has to do with a need that becomes overwhelming once you pass the age of 40, a need that cannot be denied, that burns in your blood to be fulfilled. I’m talking, of course, about sleep. Yes, sleep. That wonderful overnight rest that rejuvenates and refreshes. If you have children, feel free to use your memory. I don’t think either of us have reached REM since 1999.

She wants to sleep. She wants someone to handle the children, someone to cook and clean every other day, someone who can handle the wash on a regular basis without having everything turn out wrinkled (like it does when I do it). Someone who can do the dishes correctly, who vacuums under things instead of around them. I’d make a terrible second wife.

I blame the influence of shows like “Big Love”, where all the wives and the husband are attractive and made up, and the mansion of a house is kept clean by a set crew. Every once in while you’ll see them wash a dish—one dish—even though they are feeding 700 children. Our sink is filled every fifteen minutes with just three. And how do they look so good all the time? Neither of us would ever let a camera crew see us the way we are every day. Unshaven and in sweatpants? And that’s just Mary El…

“Big Love” makes plural marriage seem so romantic. All the kids are fed and all the wash is done. So the Feds are getting ready for a siege, anyone for more ‘Smores?

Have you ever seen a reality show about real Mormon Fundamentalists practicing polygamy? Not the most attractive people in the world. Quantity is definitely replacing quality. Sister wives look way too much like real sisters to my liking, and not in a good way. Those kerchiefs, smock dresses and sensible shoes are definitely hiding a few hundred sins. Way to much of a price to pay for evenly distributed chores.

So I guess it really does get down to sex, at least for me. I’m way too tired. Mary El accepts the bald, sickly, weather-beaten half-a-man that I’ve become. Another wife will probably kill me, leaving the two of them to divvy up the household chores between them and take turns sleeping in, without the whole sex thing being involved at all.

Hold it…was that the plan all along?

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