CAPTCHA! This is Matical Thartis

You probably know what a CAPTCHA is even if you didn’t know what they were called. They are those crazy, nonsensical psuedo-words that you have to type in so the site you’re looking at doesn’t think you’re a spambot. You probably have never bought anything off Ebay without filling in one of these annoying do-dads, but, hey, it helps small business entrepreneurs I guess. And who needs more help than people so desperate for cash they take digital pictures of stuff lying around their house and try to make a quick buck in the cyber-garage sale?

Actually, CAPTCHA’s are all over the freakin’ place. One site I visit actually has written next to the CAPTCHA box, “Prove you’re human.” I thought I’d have to save a puppy or give a DNA swab or quote something from “The Origin of the Species”, but it turns out all I have to do is copy unreadable letters into a box. Another site just says “sorry!” next to the magic box. The exclamation point means they’re sincere.

So just for fun I got out one of my kids’ Mad-Libs and tried to see what the wild, blue internet could come up with. These are all real, which tells you the kind of time I have on my hands:


Dear Taintswe,

I think your group, the Quafey Tinguats is the greatest! My favorite songs are “I’d Yzazoj For You” and “I’m Crying My Fizika Out Over You”. I think you are a better singer than Michael Jackson or even Boni. I love when you come on stage dressed as a madical thartis. And when you play the electric alsixil, I can’t help screaming and squealing, and froviling. Please send me an autographed itypensi. Every night I will sleep with it under my lteent. Signed, your devoted Fairbanks.

I don’t care if anyone else thinks this is funny, it filled me with more joy then you’ll ever know.

Well, at least those Tinguats can rest easy knowing Fairbanks is protecting that itypensi they sent him with his lteent. I bet Boni is as jealous as a scientitic heyby! And where did they come up with a crazy word like “Fairbanks” anyway? I’m certain there is a snarky wise -ass somewhere mass producing vaguely dirty words for two cents apiece. How else do you explain “quafey”?

I think I’m going to make up my own nonsensical language to speak to telemarketers and doctors’ secretarial staffs. Brianese. Or maybe Pettiglish. I can answer the phone (as if I really would) and say something like, “Hey you basshype! How many fulkukin times are you going to call me during my mistrubation time? How would you like me to get your groppdrn number from the phone book and call you at fulkukin home! Dripshat!” They would definitely put me on the no-call list then. All of the call centers in India would have our number on a poster. Don’t call that guy! He speaks in insulting sounding gibberish. I think there may be something wrong with him.

And of course, there is.

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