Terrorism, Blogs and Coolattas

I get a list everyday of “referrers” to my blog, meaning people notice my catchy title on another website and click on it to get to my WordPress page. Reddit seems to do real well as a referrer, and my wife will often send a few people my way through Facebook (easy there, I still think it’s evil but I’m willing to use it for my own twisted purposes). I saw one referrer called “tiny.pl” and decided to see who sent me a reader or two. Tiny.pl is a a url shortener, so it takes something like “https://pettiplays.wordpress.com/2011/03/01/things-i-do-my-wife-cant-stand/” and makes it look like “http.//short.sweet”. The actual link, though, went to a website called “TRUTHWAY TV–A High Quality Video Collection of Dr. Zakir Naik’s Debates and Lectures”. Videos included “Terrorism in the Name of Islam,” “Is Terrorism a Muslim Monopoly?” and “Can Islam Offer More to Mankind Than Religion?” I know, right? I’m afraid I’ll get arrested just for having it on my screen. If I’m ever accused of some nutso crime, like, I don’t know, tearing up a DMV or driving through a Burger King because they forgot the fries again, some FBI agent is going dig around on the laptop and make me out to be a terrorist. I just freakin’ know it.

My friends will all be interviewed by local news networks and they’ll say stuff like, “I never thought in a million years” or “he was always such a quiet guy” or “I’ve been reading his blog recently and let me tell you the man was a powderkeg—that kind of rage has to go somewhere.” I’ll end up in some Guantanamo Bay knock-off (don’t try to tell me they closed them all) being wash-boarded by some secret militia made up of every guy in high school you ever thought was a jerk.

 

Then I got to thinking. Could there possibly be a small contingent of radical Islam that just “gets” me? Could I possibly have, with my little self-deprecating rants and awful childhood memories, a crossover audience? Is there someone in a hut somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan, an AK-47 slung over his shoulder and a grenade pin in his mouth, saying “yes, my wife hates when I do that too” or “my Imam was also a jerk when I was in second grade” or “Allah has given me the curse of baldness as well.” Can an infidel such as myself be the key to a lasting peace, by reaching across the chasm with somewhat humorous banalities? As it says in the Koran, “outlook not so good”. Wait, no, that was from Magic 8 Ball, sorry. See, that would have ticked them off right there.

 

So maybe I’ll just provide a counterpoint. “Can Islam Offer More to Mankind That Religion”? I say no, verily! Islam IS a religion. That’s like saying “Can Coffee Coolattas Offer More to Mankind Than Dunkin Donuts Frozen Drinks?” It has no logic or persuasive value, but it does allow me to mention one of my favorite drinks ever. Remember the summer they first came out? Mary El and I were sucking them down like they were liquid ambrosia. I think we managed to gain about thirty pounds between us in a month and a half. They’ve never been quite as wonderful as they were that first summer, but I think it’s because they phased out the cocaine.

 

Anyway, my secular, unbiased olive branch to the few militant Islamics who may be out there reading is this: ixnay on the terrorismay. Americans can be a pig-headed, jingoistic, mindless bunch, but we react real well to tragedy. I’m not kidding, if something happens in Haiti we’re all over it with the giving money. If you did videos about your children, the effects of war on your countries, your personal battle to keep your families together in an impoverished land, we would respond. Talking about what you’re blowing up next? Not so much. Talking about the inevitability of Islam taking over the world by jihad? Not gonna get us in the gut. I’m just saying, because it seems like a lot of these sites are kinda, sorta meant to eventually be seen by homeland Americans, not to seem like the world revolves around our red white and blue butt. Maybe they’re just trying to recruit us to their cause, and heaven knows there are enough of us who are fed up with the way our country is run. But most of us aren’t into the killing innocent people thing. Make a better movie and we’ll at least listen. It worked with “Slumdog Millionaire”, it could work here.

 

Ah, what do I know. Coolattas are awesome. That I’m sure of.

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  1. wait…dang it! I’m pretty sure I’ll be on a list now that I’ve ‘liked’ this. I take it back! DISLIKE! DISLIKE! 🙂

  2. Too late. You will be named a co-conspirator at my trial.

  3. Great post! This site too shows up in my list of referrals to my site! maybe I commented on it a while back. I don’t remember.

    Anyway I really enjoyed this read. And I do think somewhere out there (maybe in a basement somewhere in the U.S. and not so much a cave) people and possibly extremists are reading your blog.

    • Thanks tmad. Maybe it will become a phenomenon among extremists. Like Hasselhoff in Germany!

    • Joel Flowers
    • March 3rd, 2011

    My main concern is your faulty Igpay Atinlay grammar. The word would properly be “errorismtay.” As a native speaker, I was terribly offended. Perhaps a course in “Pig Latin as a Second Language” is in order…..

    • I made that mistake on purpose to make sure you were still reading.

    • Joel Flowers
    • March 3rd, 2011

    Reading, and always editing!

  4. Good, good. Just consider all future lapses a test of your abilities.

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