Was Stalin a Cockmonster?


Earlier this week, an NFL player named Chris Kluwe wrote an open letter to a Maryland politician who had attacked his stance in favor of gay marriage. In the letter he said that I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”

I’m not gay, but I think I love this guy. No homo.

My feelings on this issue have been expressed to the twelve people who follow my blog. If gay folks want to throw away their lives and ruin all their good furniture by getting married and having kids like us breeders, they have every right to destroy themselves. Just say goodbye to white rugs, y’all.

Seriously, I know many couples who took advantage of the newly tolerant laws in New York to get “officially” married, and I applaud both their right to do it and the choice they made. It’s a simple human rights issue to me. Women couldn’t vote, blacks had to drink from different fountains and gays couldn’t get married, but slowly things changed and the same rights were extended to all. In fifty years, this is how the history books will write it.

Ah, but we’re not there yet. Just like there are still hard-line communists in Russia who cling to the idea that Stalin will rise from the grave to oppress them once more, there are people in this country in positions of real power who are standing firm in the face of progression. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Women aren’t equipped to handle the responsibility of electing leaders—they’ll vote for the guy with the nicest hair. Blacks would not know what to do with access to greater educational opportunities. This all sound familiar?

What it gets down to, as Mr. Kluwe expressed so eloquently, is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of relinquishing power. Fear of losing your God-given advantage if you happen to be a white man with money. Fear of losing control. Fear of having to confront that the world is changeable, and changing. It was so much easier when we could diminish gay people, push them into lockers at school, send the police into gay bars to rough them up. Punish them for their difference. Now here they are, on my TV, in my kids’ school, where I work, no longer content to live in the shadows, around the dark corners of town. Here they are, bold as brass, flaunting themselves for all to see, waving their banner all over the place, not even having the common decency to be ashamed of themselves like they were before. They want to be scoutmasters, with our children! They want to fight for their country alongside red-blooded, straight Americans! They want to destroy the sanctity of marriage! If they get all this, what more will they want? If we let them, what will happen to us?

Fear isn’t rational. You can explain until you’re blue in the face that homosexuality and pedophilia are not even remotely related. You can calmly explain the gross inequity of allowing some people who love each other the legal benefits of marriage, while denying them to others based solely on discrimination. You can lay out in excruciating detail the difference between marrying your dog and marrying another human being. It won’t change a thing. Fear doesn’t respond to facts.

So maybe it will respond to this: you won’t turn into a “lustful cockmonster”! If you like women, you still will! If you like men, you still will! Gays aren’t looking to “turn” you! What you are is what you are! Unless you’re leading a secret double life and pretending to be straight when you’re really…

Uh oh.

Now I don’t mean to suggest that every person who is against gay marriage is a closet queen. But when you look at the vitriol involved, the fire and brimstone moral superiority, the thinly veiled disgust displayed by these folks…it’s got to make you wonder a little. Are they just self-hating cockmonsters? Can’t they just get a boyfriend like the rest of the politicians in DC and back the hell off? Or are they really, truly afraid that if they are exposed to mainstream gays they will be tempted themselves? They’ll be like that guy in the Little Caesar’s commercial who, when he realizes he can get his pizza any way he wants, rips off his shirt and yells “There’s NO RULES!”

My message to these politicians and their constituencies is this: get over yourselves. This ain’t Sodom and Gomorrah. Put your fear aside and deal with these people as you would like to be dealt with. That’s in the Bible too. And by the way, Jesus went after the money lenders and I don’t see you denying human rights to bankers. Although maybe that wouldn’t be so bad an idea.

There is one rule. Fairness.   

    • theresa galimi
    • September 8th, 2012

    Beautiful, beautiful. If only people would understand

    • Kae
    • September 9th, 2012

    I really, truly, don’t know why the Republican Party is so focused on personal issues such as gay marriage and abortion. I guess it’s easier to pontificate about these things than to actually solve real problems.

  1. It plays to their base, I think. But I also think they’ve overplayed that hand by about 15 years.

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