FRANKENSTORM! Brought to You by Wal-Mart
I am writing this blog from a bunker 100 feet below the ground, where I am huddled with my sons, wife and two cats. We came down here two days ago when we heard Hurricane Sandy was coming. By now we’re quite sure that the world will soon end. We’re also quite sure that leaving the kitty litter upstairs was a big mistake. If there’s anyone left alive out there and you decide to come find us, please bring Lysol.
Luckily we have a generator. I waited 26 hours on line at Wal-Mart to buy it for $50,000. I was very grateful. What use will money be after Sandy hits? I was a bit disconcerted by the rumor that Wal-Mart actually caused the storm by paying two million people to stand on the coast of Florida, blow real hard at the ocean and splash the water. Apparently they still made a profit because they paid the women a little less.
Mary Ellen and I have The Weather Channel on a non-stop loop. We love that moment when they backtrack two hours and show the storm move an inch and a half on the map. We can watch that all day. Lucky for us, the editors at The Weather Channel feel the same way, and replay it over and over. Then they show the big, red danger circle that is encompassing the entire northeast. It says “ACTION”. In a thin orange circle surrounding the red one it says “ALERT”. If you’re in the orange circle you just need to be sitting near a window, ready for anything. If you’re in the red circle, you must throw yourself in front of falling trees. Or run to Wal-Mart to buy candles and gallons of water. Either/or.
Our kids have been playing Xbox for 48 hours straight. So it’s just a usual weekend for them.
Of course there’s the slim chance that the whole thing just blows off into the Atlantic. Yeah right, like that’s gonna happen! Would news agencies spend hours and hours of their programming to hype this sucker into the stratosphere if it wasn’t going to punch us in the face with brass knuckles? Would there be 9,000,000 Google hits for “Frankenstorm” in 20 seconds if the world wasn’t going to hell in a hand-basket? In situations like this, we MUST trust our media outlets! FOX has our best interests at heart! Why else would they endorse Bush twice? Ad revenues?
(Seriously, if you hear an evacuation request for your area, GET THE HELL OUT! Don’t be that one idiot who’s lived by the beach his whole life and can’t bear to leave his house who ends up being air-lifted to safety from his roof. Those fools skew all the statistics. Don’t be that fool!)
For now we are content with our canned beans cooked on a hot plate, television and the comfort of our family. We are hoping that the training Conor is getting while playing Modern Warfare pays off in the after-times. When the apocalypse happens in a few hours, we are counting on him to somehow defend us with a BB rifle and a simulation Luger. Mychal has a red, light-up light-saber. Obi-Wan, you’re our only hope.
So for anyone who manages to somehow read this, be safe. Hit Wal-Mart hard and fast and with all your credit. Let yourself get carried away on a proverbial wave of hype while avoiding being carried away by any actual waves. And really, do yourself and your family a favor: